The Local Yarn

Taming of the Tigger

Dramatis Personae

  • Rabbit, Archbishop of Canterbury
  • PIGLET, Bishop of Ely
  • TIGGER, Pistol
  • POOH, Ensign
  • CHORUS, Narrator

Act I

CHORUS:
Vouchsafe to those that have not read the story
That I may prompt them; and of such as have,
I humbly pray them to admit th’excuse of things
Which cannot in their huge and proper life
Be here presented. Now we bear Rabbit,
Piglet, and Pooh toward Rabbit’s porch.
There is the playhouse now, there you must sit,
And thence to the forest shall we convey you safe.

[Enter RABBIT, PIGLET, and POOH]

RABBIT:
I’ll tell you, that self Lord Tigger is urged
That yesterday was like to have bounced against us
By zany hazard and unnatural humours
Which him constrain to bouncing acts,
Scambling, and unquiet time.
PIGLET:
But my lord, how shall we resist him now?
RABBIT:
It must be thought on. If he bounce against us
We’re like to lose the better half of our possession:
For all the temporal lands and carrot gardens
Which by testament are given to us,
He would rend the harvest thereof in a twinkling
A ruin and unprofit.
PIGLET:
This would drink deep.
RABBIT:
’Twould drink the cup and all.
PIGLET:
But what prevention?
RABBIT:
The courses of his youth promise no change.
Never came desolation in a flood
With such heady currents scouring all good,
Nor never features of landscape so soon lose their seat
As in the case of Sir Tigger.
POOH:
He ne’er did harm that I heard of;
O pardon, since that a crooked figure may
In little place attest a million
Or, so says good Christopher Robin.(1)
PIGLET:
Hearest thou not these weighty things
That task our thoughts concerning Tigger?
POOH:
The air, a chartered libertine, is still
And the mute silence lurketh in mine ears
For bunch of fusty fluff hath therein lodged
Some whiles since.
PIGLET:
It must be so, for miracles are ceased,
And therefore we must needs admit the means
How Tigger shall be perfected.
Doth he incline to it or no?
RABBIT:
He seems indifferent,
Or rather swaying the more upon our part;
For I will make an offer to him
As touching the Hundred Acre Wood
To hike and march a greater distance
Than ever did his predecessors depart withal
At the end of which, by my design
His bones, a woe, a sore complaint
He’ll drop his heart into the sink of fear!
Now we go, to bring our embassy
To this Tigger same.
PIGLET:
We’ll wait upon you.

[Exeunt]

Act II

CHORUS:
Now entertain conjecture of a time
When creeping murmer and the poring fog
Fills the wide vessel of the Hundred-Acre-Wood.
The hum of frog and cricket stilly sounds
O now, who will look and behold
The pair of travelers in their pacing sad:
Pooh and Piglet at th’appointed time
Present themselve by the gazing trees.
The confident and over-lusty Rabbit
Does the low-rated Tigger play at dice
Proud of his planning and secure in soul,
Hastens impatiently, and poorly ruminates
The evening’s danger.
POOH:
Cry bother, and chide this cripple, tardy-gaited mist
Who like a foul and ugly hag
Doth limp so tediously away:
A pity this, an approved waste
For honey bees cease their work in damp,
Creatures that by a rule in nature teach
The act of order to a peopled kingdom:
The civil citizens kneading up honey
Lay down their burdens, whilst sad-eyed drones
Stand close together with surly hum.
PIGLET:
Rabbit may show what outward courage he will, but I believe, as cold a day as ‘tis, he could wish himself afore of a stoken hearth, and so I would he were and I by him at all adventures, so we were quit here.

[Enter RABBIT]

RABBIT:
Now sits the fog fair, and we will away!
(Hushed) Here comes Lord Tigger; good friends, offer nothing here.

[Enter TIGGER]

TIGGER:
Ah, an outing shall we have, and present leave!(2)
Holdfast is the only dog, my ducks,
The word is ‘pitch and play,’ yoke-fellows in arms
Let us to the Forest, like Tartar-squirrels, my boys!
PIGLET:
Prithee Tigger, stay; the damp is too cold, and for mine own part I have not a case of lives. The humour of it is too cold, that is the very plain-song of it.
TIGGER:
Let floods o’erswell and fiends for food howl on!(3)
RABBIT:
Come, Piglet, imitate the action of the Tigger!
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood
Disguise small nature with hard favour’d rage;
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. The game’s afoot.
Follow your spirit, and upon this, Charge!
TIGGER:
On, on, on, on to the breach!

[Exit TIGGER — bounds off stage; RABBIT, POOH, PIGLET hide behind some object; TIGGER bounds back in search of them, but, seeking, finds them not]

TIGGER:
The plain-song is most just, for humours do abound.

[Continues seeking]

RABBIT:
My lords, Sir Tigger, jealous of our absence
Seeks through the camp to find us.
TIGGER:
Doth Fortune play the huswife with me now?
Note have I within my bearing bones
That here my rendezvous is quite cut off.(4)
Well, home I’ll turn, this hunt resign
To suck, to suck, the very Extract of Malt to suck!

[Exit Tigger]

RABBIT:
[Looking after TIGGER]
I give you leave to depart, and if a merry meeting
May be wished, God prohibit it!
[Turning again to friends]
The game’s afoot! To the forest, and hearthside then,
Where ne’er from Borealis’ frosty soup arrive’d more happy men.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood
And teach them how to march, for we’ll flee this dewy flood.
Hence! I am qualmish at the smell of leek.

[All exit stage right, reappear sometime later as though lost]

RABBIT:
As manhood shall compound, these phantom paths
Have got the voice in heaven for twistiness;
Fair and fortunate are we
That these our native pastures be
Else, being lost, naught but these boding trunks
Could we ever hope to see…
[Aside] They have tied me to a stake; I cannot fly,
But bearlike I must fight the course.(5)

[All exit stage right and appear again in the same manner]

POOH:
Though patience be a tired mare, yet she will plod;
But here is that selfsame sand-pit again.
RABBIT:
Though ‘tis no wisdom to confess so much,
My directional sense is much enfeebled.
POOH:
By our travels, late and circuitous, I this infer
That many paths having full reference
To one arrival may work contrariously
Without defeat; therefore, good Rabbit
Let us conversely search for this sand-pit
And thus come home in safe array,
Where before we sought the home and found th’other.(6)
If we with such just logic prepended
Cannot gain again guide our footsteps thither
Let us be worried, and our titles lose
All name of hardiness and policy.
RABBIT:
You do unbend your noble strength, to think
So brainsickly of things. Prithee, peace!
I dare do all that may become a rabbit.
Who dares do more is none.
PIGLET:
Defend your glove, my liege: therfore
Divide we our happy company into two,
Whereof take you twenty-pace from this spot
And thence, sand-pit seeking, return again.
RABBIT:
What beast was’t then
That made you break this enterprise to me?
Come, I shall about it.

[Exit Rabbit. Long pause whiles they wait for him.]

POOH:
By the white hand of a lady, let us be going,
That we find ourselves safe once more,
Secure at home and in good compass.
PIGLET:
Swear by her foot, that she may tread out the oath,
For you must needs be out of all compass
In more acceptations of th’phrase than one.
Know you the predestinate path, of which Rabbit despaired?
POOH:
Despair thy charm
That palterest us in a double sense:
But scaly vessels of stored-up honey
Hath rung the night’s yawning peal;
My gaping maw doth taste the sound of it
Tht once was drown’d by Rabbit’s voice.
All his senses have but human conditions.
PIGLET:
Yeah, such an antic does not amount to a man,
And the gaffer says true “The empty vessel
Makes the greatest sound.”
POOH:
It is now eleven o’clock. Let me see, by twelve,
We shall have us each three honeypots.
Come, shall we about it?

[Exeunt]

Act III

[Enter RABBIT]

RABBIT (cold, spooked):
Is this a sand-pit which I see before me?
I’ve passed thee thrice, yet I see thee still!
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
To feeling as to sight, or art thou but
A picture of the mind, a false creation?
Thou marshals’t me the way that I am going.
It is this circular business which informs thus
To my mind. Now o’er the one-half world
Nature seems dead, and wicked sights abuse.
O Lord, think not upon the fault
I made in design against Sir Tigger,
For I have issued more contrite tears
Than his bouncing crimes would tally,
Though all that I can do is nothing worth,
Since that my penitence comes after all
Imploring pardon. Hark!

[Noise off-stage]

RABBIT:
Peace, ‘Twas the owl that shrieked, the fatal bellman
Which givest the sternest good-night.

[Enter TIGGER, bounces RABBIT by jostling him in a stagey sort of way]

TIGGER:
Permafoy! I have and do hold the only Rabbit,
As truly, but not as duly - as bird doth sing on bow;
Woulds’t thou have me fold up Parca’s fatal web?(7)
RABBIT:
Never did faithful pilgrim more rejoice
At the discovery of most dangerous distress
Than I do at this hour rejoice myself,
Prevented from an endless enterprise.
TIGGER:
Pauca verba, there’s enough8. Go to,
A dinner shall we have, and present pay,
And friendship shall combine and brotherhood.
I shall live by Rabbit, and Rabbit shall live by me.
Is not this just? Give me thy hand.

[Exeunt]

CHORUS:
Thus far, with rough and all unable pen
Our bending author hath persued the story
In little room confining as little men
Mangling by starts the full course of their glory.
Small time, but in that small most strangely lived
Though the world’s best garden he’d achieve
By unbouncing Tigger, Rabbit did not succeed,
But learned a lesson, though his soil fill with weeds,
Which here our stage hath shown; and for their sake
In your fair minds, let this acceptance take.

Finis


  1. The original, literal meaning is that “a nought or zero (a curved figure) is able to signify a million (i.e., by converting 100,000 to 1,000,000).” —Craik. I use it in the sense that Rabbit may be misjudging Tigger’s character. Pooh must attribute this logic to C. Robin to be consistent with his own lack of arithmetical ability.
  2. I am loosly matching Tigger with Henry V’s Pistol. His lines loose some sensicality in the conversion, but even the originals are obscure to any modern audience. If spoken in the proper mood, the desired effect and meaning will be made somewhat clear.
  3. I.e., ‘We are going, come what may!’
  4. Tigger may suspect treachery, but this should not be emphasized. He is here, as in the book, carefree and too shallow for much thoughts of conspiracy, not inclined to hold grudges.
  5. By this aside to the audience, Rabbit means us to believe that none of this is his fault.
  6. Here, as in the original, Pooh suggests that if, when searching for home, they keep finding the sand-pit, they should search for the sand-pit and thus they might find home.
  7. Latin, “few words,” part of the proverbial “few words are best.” Used elliptically by Pistol in Henry V, 2.1.80.

Those Empty Altoids Tins

Without dwelling too much on the negative side, as is normally our tendency under our 68% Vitriol Policy, we would address the issue of the popular Altoids peppermints. It is a frustrating thing that when purchasing Altoids, you are forced to pay for yet another little Altoid tin canister. Whether it is true that this is because Callard and Bowser, a British company dating back to 1780, desires to spite Americans in its own petty way for winning the War for Independence, we cannot be sure; we are told that Altoids are available only in tins even for fellow consumers in the U.K. So we do not lend any credence to this theory. We wish, though, that C&B would offer some alternative packaging, such as burlap sacks for bulk buyers.

The bottom line is that any regular Altoids ingester soon acquires a small mountain of little tins. What is to be done with all these little metal boxes with the rounded edges? We have here compiled a comprehensive list of 94 Ways to Use Empty Altoids Tins. Some are humorous, some almost practical, others are just barely alive, but there are none of the obvious cop-out items which tend to creep into lists like these (such as “Use it to think of 94 ways to use it, har har”).

Ahem.

  1. Use them to catch the fat grease from your grill
  2. Kitchen and bathroom decorations
  3. Holds all that loose pocket change - increases jingling sound
  4. Tray for computer screws during an upgrade
  5. Line your garden with Altoid tins instead of bricks
  6. Archive old sales receipts
  7. Insert in soles of shoes to make yourself look taller
  8. Don’t attach blinking lights and leave them laying around suspiciously at airports. Attach blinking lights and leave them suspiciously at other places, but not airports.
  9. You could, however, attach a little handle and check it as luggage on your next flight. The best part comes in the claim area when the tiny Altoids suitcase comes down the chute…
  10. Target practice for gun owners
  11. Tape them together to create a suit of body armor
  12. People named “Al”: cover up the T-O-I-D-S and use as a name badge
  13. Better yet, if your last name happens to be Altoids, tape it to your mailbox.
  14. Short-term piggy-banks — easy to open, 0% APY
  15. Makes for some good-looking ham radio electronics
  16. Punch holes in them, use for keeping insects and small animals such as hamsters
  17. Leave them on the street downtown and watch people foolishly pick them up and find that they are empty. (Even better: glue them to the sidewalk.)
  18. Fill with plaster, fasten shut: hockey puck
  19. Return to your local grocery store for a nickel (your mileage may vary)
  20. Tie them to your fingers to help you remember things
  21. Test the theory of evolution: place two unmodified paper clips inside, and shake vigorously for two billion years. See if they ever link together as a result of this process.
  22. Fill with hand lotion and carry it in your purse.
  23. Great candidates for subjects of modern surreal art (in fact, do any of these and take some photos; you should have no problem obtaining grant money from the NEA)
  24. Insert in boxes of wrapped gifts; the added noise when shaking the present will confuse the recipient as to what’s inside
  25. Tape to your dog’s tail for interesting effects when it wags
  26. Just married? Tie them to your car’s bumper instead of tired old Campbell’s soup cans
  27. About to get married? Drop on one knee and present the engagement ring to your girl in an Altoids tin! [Turns out this has been done! See the Addendum.]
  28. Use as spacers for table or chair legs on very unlevel surfaces
  29. Has anyone tried seeing if they do anything nifty in a microwave?
  30. Callard & Bowser would like to keep this a secret, but these little tins can actually hold M&M’s too!
  31. If you’re camping and you catch a small animal such as a rabbit, fish or ferret, you can cook the raw meat by putting pieces of it in Altoids tins and placing the tin in the glowing hot embers of your campfire for awhile.
  32. When hiking through the forest, leave a trail of tins to prevent getting lost.
  33. Great for housing that tiny new web server
  34. You could place a microphone inside an Altoids tin and use it for espionage; it is likely, however, that the tin will be picked up and opened if seen.
  35. While it’s still full of mints, stick it inside your tennis shoes or gym bag to offset the odor.
  36. Goldfish coffin
  37. Cry into them when you realize you’re paying almost 3 cents per mint.
  38. Such a simple tin; / It could surely inspire / many a haiku
  39. Fill with emergency spare cash and tape securely behind your knee or under your arm
  40. Open the tin and look inside the lid: handy low-resolution travel mirror!
  41. Use as bookmarks in heavy volumes such as the Yellow Pages
  42. Stress reliever for the kind of people for whom those little spongy balls just aren’t enough
  43. Enhance your clarity of speech by placing an Altoid tin inside your mouth while you repeat simple phrases
  44. Create your own checker board 2′ 8″ on a side (each location 4″ square) and use them as checker pieces (use tins from cinnamon or wintergreen Altoids for the black pieces).
  45. Fill them with sand and stack them up to mitigate flooding
  46. Tie them together to create a wind chime
  47. Pop the tin into a scanner, scan it into your computer, fool around with it in an image program, and put the results on your web site.
  48. With the red and green colors, they are excellent Christmas ornaments.
  49. Find anagrams for “Altoids”: TAIL SOD, SO TIDAL, SODA TIL, IS A DOLT, SAD TOIL, and SAIL DOT
  50. Status symbol
  51. Put some wheels on them, fill with metal weights and have an Altoids Derby Race.
  52. Tie on the end of a long string to create a plumb line; you can hang it from the top of a building to see if the building is tilted at all.
  53. Carry case for the Pentax Optio S digital camera
  54. Use them to store small condiments such as olives or chopped onions when you run out of Tupperware
  55. Show that you support halitosis research by wearing one on your lapel
  56. Find anagrams for “Callard & Bowser”: A SCREWBALL ROD, BOLD EAR SCRAWL, and LARS BE RAW COLD.
  57. If you work at a bank drive-thru and for some reason those plastic tubes break or are lost, use Altoids tins instead!
  58. Learn to juggle them and balance them on your chin for parties
  59. Altoids tins stay wrinkle free without ironing!
  60. Make the top halves of the tins into light switch and outlet cover plates
  61. Put it up to your ear: you can hear the sea!
  62. If, like many in my extended family, you accidentally lop off a finger in the workshop, keep it in the tin until you get to the clinic.
  63. Makes excellent, durable roofing material
  64. Tape them to the back of your telephone handset to make it easier to rest it on your shoulder while talking.
  65. Casually take the tin out of your pocket and look at the reflection in the lid to see if there’s anyone suspicious behind you.
  66. Find out the depth of a cave pit or the height of a building by dropping the tin from the top and counting the number of seconds until it hits the bottom. Like other physical objects on Earth, the tin accelerates at 9.8 meters/sec/sec.
  67. Use it as a hopscotch thingie. It can even hold the chalk when you’re done.
  68. Ever notice those hip, tiny new backpack/purses? Take this fashion trend to its logical conclusion and strap an Altoids tin to your back for those trips to the mall.
  69. Saw off one end and make a pocket protector
  70. FBI agents: instead of those little wallets, put your badge and ID inside an Altoids tin. Looks great when you flash it at people for whose houses you have a search warrant.
  71. Hide them inside snowballs for an added punch
  72. If you’re shipwrecked and on a deserted island, why not send a message-in-an-Altoids-tin, rather than a message-in-a-bottle?
  73. Or, use the underside of the lid to reflect the sun and signal to passing ships and airplanes.
  74. Create a weekly pill organizer: label seven Altoids tins with the days of the week.
  75. Bake muffins or other pastries in them! (Talking of which, has anyone explored the culinary possibilities of the Altoids themselves?)
  76. Look for cultish insignia or other signs of conspiracies on the tin
  77. Punch holes through them and stick them on the spokes of your bicycle’s wheels
  78. Spook a friend by placing a tin under their sheets (this only works for very excitable people)
  79. Rumor has it that placing a pile of three or four on your electric meter will slow it down, lowering your electric bill
  80. Sniff the leftover dust for a “high” almost as invigorating as that of Kool-Aid
  81. Fill them with ice, and place them in your pop cooler; they help keep the cans cold for longer lengths of time and the cooler doesn’t get all full of water when the ice melts.
  82. Plus, if someone gets injured at the picnic, you can use them as ice packs to reduce swelling.
  83. If you filled them with something hot, such as Cream of Wheat, you could use them to warm your feet on cold winter nights.
  84. Put them in the food-shelf bin at your grocery store. (Mean and cheap, you say? I don’t think so! Look how handy they are!)
  85. If you attend a small church, have the ushers pass Altoid tins down the aisles instead of offering plates
  86. They sure beat spoons for digging your way out of prison
  87. They won’t hold your sunglasses, but they work great for monocles
  88. Separate the top and bottom halves, tape them together on one of the short edges, and use as a sleep blinder for bus and airplane trips.
  89. Use them to scratch off your lottery ticket (if you actually buy lottery tickets)
  90. Start your campfire by striking pieces of flint against it
  91. They make good phylacteries
  92. Use as a makeshift ruler (they are about 2.25″ by 3.75″)
  93. Make and sell doll furniture. And stay away from me.
  94. Walk around with them balanced on your head to improve your posture.

Why America Should Conquer Canada

It is bothersome, though not surprising, that the ‘Canada issue’ has not been addressed by presidential candidates in America for decades. This issue presents a number of obvious problems and a single (equally obvious) solution for them all.

We at JIPW have been advocating the takeover of Canada since the latter part of the last century, and recent developments have only made us more confident. Notwithstanding, however, we have found the issue to be an emotionally and politically charged one.

Reader, before you continue, you must take note that I am a Minnesotan, whose father and his father before him were born in Canada; and who has many Canadian relatives. It is commonly known that ‘Duecks’ are as plentiful in Winnepeg as ‘Johnsons’ in the St. Paul. Canada and America have an entanglement of fate comparable to that of England and France in the days of the Plantaganets. In attaining Canada we do not make ourselves the enemy and despiser of it, but we love Canada such that we would have it all ours.

The decidedly simple editors of our contemporary publications, such as the Pequod Lake Conifer and Gazette have raised the question of how assimilation of Canada could be in the best interests of our prosperous Republic. First, as a matter of human compassion, we ought to feel compelled to save the Canadian citizens from their arguably socialist government and failed economy. Their dollar is worth roughly half of its robust American equivelant, and the majority of their money is fed, via heavy taxes, into a half-baked nationalized health-care system as well as a ponderous number of other foolish programs.

The truth is, Canada has shot itself in the foot and is in desperate need of help. Consider the resident Frenchmen who, through a fluke in the Canadian system of representation, enjoy an unfair leverage in matters of State. This has produced in them no end of arrogance, and they stubbornly try to subvert the spread of the English language through stupid legislation. It was reported not long since that a man could not, without heavy fines, place a sign exclusively in English on his storefront. All signs, down to a piece of cardboard with ‘OPEN’ written in marker, must be in English and French. And additionally, people have to deal with all sorts of beeheaded regulations involving the relative sizes of the letters, and so on. The whole nation of Canada is shackled with intrinsic governmental flaws of this kind. It would be prudent to flush the whole parliamentary system and its accruement of fusty laws and bureaucracies altogether down the toilet, and to bring Canada under American jurisdiction.

An assimilation of Canada would also solve the longstanding and very frustrating problem of fishing rights in the Northwest Angle, a small fragment of Minnesota which was isolated from the rest of the state by a surveilance and navigational error. When Canada has been conquered, the Angle can be made a part of the new State of Ontario, and everyone can enjoy equal fishing rights as American citizens. The removal of hassles involving crossing borderlines, &c., would also be a boon to the locals at the Angle, as well as the general shipping economy which revolves about the Great Lakes.

Finally, this strategic move would put an end once and for all to the cruel practice of forcing the Canadian schoolchildren to try to learn the meandering national anthem, ‘O Canada.’ We would also be able to eliminate this confusing strain from the sports stadiums in games at which the Canadian baseball and hockey teams participate.

When Even In the Dell Was Green

When even in the dell was green
Atop the hills and in between,
One might have heard, but scarcely seen
A choir in the weeds.

The frogs they were, of voice most clear,
And all of them had keenest ear
And sang aloud in harmony
Their ageless croaking rhapsodies.

They sang alone without piano;
Many bass, but few soprano
The toad among them was a tenor,
Of noble bearing and demeanor.

When one night they were at the parish
Dressed up in tuxedos garish
Performing in that giant hall,
A sudden silence did befall!
The audience began to quiet,
The air was tense, I won’t deny it;
Before the first note had been sung
But was held in waiting on the tongue,

A noise there was upon stage left
That left their speech and wits bereft:
Footsteps padding on the stage
And up to the conductor’s cage
There walked a small, disdainful fly
With glasses thick upon his eyes.

He paged through his conductor’s score;
(The awe-struck singers stared the more)
Motioned the music to be passed,
And raised baton in stern address!

The baton came down, the first chord rang,
The fly drew all effort from each note that they sang;
The score was matchless, each bar was inerrant
The frogs watched as though children,
The fly-maestro the parent.

Now comes the solo! Hark to the thrill
Of the tenor in wonder! His voices the hall fills!
In accent how prudent! In tone how sublime
As he masters his part for the very first time;
And now the fly bids him his last note sustain
And the frog pours it forth with all of his main!
Still he sustains it! Can such a thing last?
Deep inside his lungs reaches for every last gasp,
And the fly bids him muster, with quavering palm
Till at last all is quiet, in an instant is calm.

Then in joyous resolve, and as per the score,
The reprisal rebounds grander now than before!
The choir in section and unison spans
What notes can be sung by amphibians;
Then finally finish in massive chords sage
That continue through every last bar of the page;
Then the fly bids them stop! with a flick of his hand,
And were the song great, yet the silence more grand.

All movement was settled, all sound became mute,
For the sound they’d just heard was one none could refute;
The choir in wonder at what they’d locuted,
The audience quiet, completely confuted.
At last the conductor by degrees turned about
To face that great crowd, who all shouted aloud;
With a bow to his fans and a nod to the frogs,
He gave a high buzz, and he flew himself out.