#lang pollen
◊; Copyright 2019 by Joel Dueck. All Rights Reserved.
◊(define-meta published "1999-12-16")
◊title{Why America Should Conquer Canada}
It is bothersome, though not surprising, that the ‘◊index{Canada} issue’ has not been addressed by
presidential candidates in America for decades. This issue presents a number of obvious problems and
a single (equally obvious) solution for them all.
We at ◊caps{JIPW} have been advocating the takeover of Canada since the latter part of the last
century, and recent developments have only made us more confident. Notwithstanding, however, we have
found the issue to be an emotionally and politically charged one.
Reader, before you continue, you must take note that I am a Minnesotan, whose father and his father
before him were born in Canada; and who has many Canadian relatives. It is commonly known that
‘Duecks’ are as plentiful in Winnepeg as ‘Johnsons’ in the St. Paul. Canada and America have an
entanglement of fate comparable to that of England and France in the days of the Plantaganets. In
attaining Canada we do not make ourselves the enemy and despiser of it, but we love Canada such that
we would have it all ours.
The decidedly simple editors of our contemporary publications, such as the Pequod Lake Conifer and
Gazette have raised the question of how assimilation of Canada could be in the best interests of our
prosperous Republic. First, as a matter of human compassion, we ought to feel compelled to save the
Canadian citizens from their arguably socialist government and failed economy. Their dollar is worth
roughly half of its robust American equivelant, and the majority of their money is fed, via heavy
taxes, into a half-baked nationalized health-care system as well as a ponderous number of other
foolish programs.
The truth is, Canada has shot itself in the foot and is in desperate need of help. Consider the
resident Frenchmen who, through a fluke in the Canadian system of representation, enjoy an unfair
leverage in matters of State. This has produced in them no end of arrogance, and they stubbornly try
to subvert the spread of the English language through stupid legislation. It was reported not long
since that a man could not, without heavy fines, place a sign exclusively in English on his
storefront. All signs, down to a piece of cardboard with ‘OPEN’ written in marker, must be in
English and French. And additionally, people have to deal with all sorts of beeheaded regulations
involving the relative sizes of the letters, and so on. The whole nation of Canada is shackled with
intrinsic governmental flaws of this kind. It would be prudent to flush the whole parliamentary
system and its accruement of fusty laws and bureaucracies altogether down the toilet, and to bring
Canada under American jurisdiction.
An assimilation of Canada would also solve the longstanding and very frustrating problem of fishing
rights in the Northwest Angle, a small fragment of Minnesota which was isolated from the rest of the
state by a surveilance and navigational error. When Canada has been conquered, the Angle can be made
a part of the new State of Ontario, and everyone can enjoy equal fishing rights as American
citizens. The removal of hassles involving crossing borderlines, &c., would also be a boon to the
locals at the Angle, as well as the general shipping economy which revolves about the Great Lakes.
Finally, this strategic move would put an end once and for all to the cruel practice of forcing the
Canadian schoolchildren to try to learn the meandering national anthem, ‘O Canada.’ We would also be
able to eliminate this confusing strain from the sports stadiums in games at which the Canadian
baseball and hockey teams participate.
◊note[#:date "2013-11-11" #:disposition "† dumb"]{
I perked up a bit when I read ◊link['n1]{Today's Question} from MPR News: ◊link['n2]{Should the U.S.
and Canada merge?}
◊url['n1]{https://twitter.com/MPRnews/status/399893023204859905}
◊url['n2]{http://blogs.mprnews.org/todays-question/2013/11/should-the-u-s-and-canada-merge/}
I probably wouldn’t write such a thing again today, even as satire. It’s not because the Canadian
and US dollars have been at par for a couple of years now, nor because 32-year old me understands
better than 18-year old me how a weak dollar can actually be good for an economy. And — you’ll have
to trust me on this — it’s not even because I’m married to a Canadian. Even before I met my wife, in
the wake of the Iraq war and having learned a little actual history, I woke up to the fact that
American hegemony is too real and too stupid to make for good humor.
Besides which. My sense these days is that America is ◊em{already} such a ◊link['n3]{thinly
held-together coalition of such wildly different economies, values, and legal cultures} that I’m not
sure it can be governed fairly or effectively even without any additions.
◊url['n3]{http://www.tufts.edu/alumni/magazine/fall2013/features/up-in-arms.html}
}
◊note[#:date "2015-09-16"]{
Apparently there was a brief period in the 1920s when America and Canada were both secretly drafting
plans to invade each other. Tracy Mumford, reporting for Minnesota Public Radio:
◊blockquote{“In 1921, a Canadian lieutenant by the name of Buster Brown drafted ‘Defence Scheme No.
1.’ Despite ‘defense’ in the title, it was ‘a full-on invasion plan,’ according to Kevin Lippert,
the author of War Plan Red… In the end, he proposed a five-pronged attack. In the west, Canadian
troops would take Seattle and Portland. In the east, the Quebecois would occupy Albany. Maine would
be reclaimed, as would the Great Lakes. In the Midwest, Brown’s plan called for ‘Prairie Command’ to
swing through Fargo and then head south to invade Minneapolis and St. Paul.”}
◊figure["ca-invasion-plan-x.jpg"]{“Defence Scheme No. 1” from ◊link['n4]{War Plan Red} By Kevin
Lippert}
◊url['n4]{https://www.librarything.com/work/16065817}
}
